One Shift That Transforms How We Connect
- jmurphyfamcoach
- Oct 28
- 3 min read
After 25 years as a therapist, one lesson I’ve consistently embraced is this: we need to stop using phrases like “I feel that” or “I feel when.” These expressions, while common, are misleading.
Let me explain. According to Dr. Robert Plutchik, the psychologist behind the Wheel of Emotions, emotions are complex and can combine in countless ways, suggesting there are thousands of distinct emotional experiences. Regardless, one thing is certain — “that” and “when” are not emotions.
Why Do We Keep Saying This?
One major reason is a lack of emotional awareness. Many of us were never taught how to recognize and name what we feel. Emotions can be intrusive and confusing, and identifying them requires both self-reflection and practice. The ability to recognize, understand, and articulate our emotions isn’t innate — it’s a skill that must be learned.
Another reason is our discomfort with vulnerability. Naming real emotions — and yes, “good” and “fine” don’t count — can feel exposing. It’s often easier to stay in the safety of our thoughts than to express what’s truly happening inside. When we say, “I feel that you don’t care,” it sounds emotional, but it’s actually an intellectual observation. This subtle misstep creates distance and disconnection in our relationships.
True emotions — sadness, shame, disappointment, happy, joy, love — require acknowledgment. They ask more of us than a passing thought. Thoughts can be debated or dismissed, but emotions ask to be felt. So when we substitute “I feel that” for “I feel hurt,” we protect ourselves from vulnerability — but we also block genuine connection.
The good news? One small change can begin to shift everything.
Three Steps to Start Practicing Today
Step 1: Know What You’re Expressing before speaking, pause to identify whether you’re sharing a thought, belief, or feeling.
Thought: An observation or judgment
Belief: A personal conviction or value
Feeling: An emotional state or experience
Step 2: Use the Correct Language Match your words to what you’re expressing:
“I think…” → Followed by a thought (e.g., “I think you interrupted me.”)
“I believe…” → Followed by a belief (e.g., “I believe respect is important.”)
“I feel…” → Followed by an emotion (e.g., “I feel frustrated.”)
If you catch yourself saying “I feel that…” — pause. You’re likely describing a thought, not a feeling.
Step 3: Build Your Emotional Vocabulary Many of us were never taught the language of emotion beyond a few basic words. Tools like the Feelings Wheel can help expand your vocabulary and increase self-awareness. If that feels overwhelming, just start small:
“I think…”
“I believe…”
“I feel…”
With practice, you’ll become more fluent in expressing what’s real for you.
Final Thoughts
This change may seem small, but it has the power to transform how we connect both with ourselves and with others. Imagine relationships where we express what we truly feel instead of masking emotions behind arguments or assumptions and have conversations grounded in understanding rather than defense.
Language matters. Emotional clarity matters. “That” and “when” are not feelings — and the more we hold ourselves accountable to that truth, the more honest, compassionate, and connected we become.
It’s a small shift with a big impact.
Let’s start there — one authentic feeling at a time.
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